Love design!!! I just came across your blog and wanted to say that Ive really...Talking With Lorri
Posted by Erik Rupard on March 18th, 2008
I have a new post for you which I will upload tomorrow (probably will be ready by the time you get up). It goes over my typical day, with the obligatory semi-snarky commentary. I was gonna up that one today, but a single event changed my mind, to wit:
After work, I went to eat with a couple of my medics, then we dropped off laundry and went to the gym. We walked back to the canisters, and said goodbye for the night, and after I showered, I went into my lonely, strange little square plastic cave, and closed the vinyl door behind me.
There are these sudden, sometimes unexpected moments out here in which I suddenly recall where I am, and, more pertinently, where am I not. I am not in Evans, GA, with my family. I don’t want you to think that I constantly wallow in this fact, or spend inordinate amounts of time feeling sorry for myself, because I honestly do not. But it would be impossible not to feel the pangs of separation at certain times. For me, I can’t always predict these moments, but they usually come when other distractions have subsided (i.e., when I have hunkered down for the night).
For three of the last four days, just as I was starting to feel a wee bit lonely, I was immediately called by Lorri. It was almost as if she sensed it (and maybe she did; in each case, she was feeling similar pangs of loneliness). One of these was on Saturday morning, but it was way too early to call back home (we are seven hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time here). As I cleaned out my quarters that AM, I kept glancing at the clock on my computer, trying to determine the earliest possible time that I could reasonably call home. I was in the midst of trying hard to mentally justify a 1 PM call (6 AM back home), when suddenly my computer started making that beautiful Skype tone which signals an incoming call, and it was Lorri on the line.
Same thing happened tonight. I will get more into Skype later, but suffice it to say that it is a free video and/or audio calling service, which enables people all across the world to communicate with one another. It is not perfect, especially with my sloooooow internet, but it is pretty good most of the time. When I clicked to accept the call, and the pixelated, laggy, choppy video came up and I saw Lorri there on the screen, one half of our bedroom in the background, my heart was home again, and hearing Lorri’s sweet voice reminded me of the solid truth that our families (as opposed to bricks, mortar, and drywall) are our real homes in this world. I also understood exactly why Joseph Smith said about his wife Emma that “I would go to hell for such a woman.”
We didn’t talk about much today: the kids, the dog, the guy power-washing our house, the ubiquitous Barbara Wall (our much-loved neighbor who walks seemingly 8 hours a day, almost always passing our house while Lorri and I are Skyping), the mail, the bills, more kids, more dog, Barbara Wall coming around again. But it is not what we talk about that matters. Just the act of being “together” for a moment, of continuing to share our lives in spite of the separation, this is strengthening and uplifting to me. Sometimes Lorri sees me on the webcam and suddenly stops talking and asks me why I am laughing at her, but I am not laughing. I am just smiling “wide as a ringin’ bell,” and wondering how in the heck I got so very very lucky.
Lorri, my sweet, sweet wife, thank you for calling me tonight. Thank you for taking care of Maddy, Drew, and Maya in my current absence and before. Thank you for loving me all of these many years (18 now, long enough for both of us to forget our recent, separated anniversary until the following day, and neither of us got upset about it). Thanks for wearing that funny little French-looking hat today—it was/is so very Lorri and no one else, and Lorri—with two “r”s, a french hat, an ever-diminishing Canadian accent, an indisputable sense of style and grace, and the same sweet, sweet vulnerability I fell in love with so many years ago—it is that Lorri who I needed tonight.
I, too, would go to hell for such a woman. In fact I’m already there. Ah, well, at least it’s a dry hell.
Goodnight, Lorri-Sue Rupard. I love you.
–Erik
March 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
E; I don’t know what to say… other than thank-you for that. And also for being such a good man and thank you for being an amazing father…and great physician, EQ Pres., music junkie, burrito-lover, fun movie-goer, pillow-hogger,and intuitive (live-in) editor.You wear many hats for me too-allegorically speaking; but you knew that.
I miss you terribly.
We are tough and enduring you and I. This time will pass quickly; it’d better.
I’m hanging on.
Love you much. Lorri
March 18th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
that was awesome
March 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Really…. are you standing Lisa?
We’re just into PDA a little. Got a problem with it?
March 18th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Lisa; I read your personal essay (excellent!) and wondered why you aren’t writing more. I also read it to Maddy who really liked it.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
As you can see, i finally got an email adress. No one ever emails me, because I dont spend much time on my computer (and they claim I’m related to you!!!!
) Please drop me an email! I love you,
Love, Becky
March 18th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Erik, that was really nice to let Lorri in your head and heart for a few precious minutes. we all knew you felt this way about Lorri, and I feel you guys and Becky and Wade are the most well-matched of the 4 of us. It might not be saying much, but Bob is at this minute sitting at church in my stead because my feet are acting up again, the first time in over 3 years. I thought the itching was related to the opiates, but, as I have been opiate free for 3 years or more, that , sadly isn’t it. My feet are red and swollen and so itchy, I really can’t wear shoes with even the smallest degree of comfort. It sucks. Luckily we have no hatchets nearby.
Suffice it to say, I think your absence has helped us all. I am more gratefull to Bob than I have been in a long time, and he has been so solicitous of me lately. He knows I am trying to please him, and he is trying to please me. I think he is happy I am not in Iraq. Plus, I am so used to hiding every feeling but anger, that I think he was surprised and shocked at my level of horror at having you in a place that I perceive you to be in danger. He knows I would feel the same if he were in similar circumstances. I think he finally gets why I may be mad as hades at him one minutes, and then say “drive carefully today, honey” the next. I just never take for granted that he will always come back to me safe and sound. He may be hard to live with sometimes, but I know very well that I am no picnic myself. Please get back to me on the bike. also, Juliet’s school involvment. this is something I could really sink my teeth in if you think it would be ok. If not, don’t worry, I have plenty of other things to do. I got a job training a lady’s horse for her and she is thrilled. I seem to have finally got Kristan to let her armor down and eat a bit of humble pie, and it has done her wonders.
We will watch A. I. tonight, and I hope the lds kids do well. It makes the show fun for me again. I really lost interest last year. 7 seasons are about 5 too many of almost any show,ok seinfeld and ER being the exceptions.
I’m looking forward to seeing Beckles and family on thursday. I love and miss her every day. she is my angel. I try harder to be like her every day, with little success. She still has those 2 extra boys, and all I can do is complain about itchy feet. She never complains. I love you and I love Becky and Barry. I am grateful for my siblings. Hang in there. Art is on its way.
love love love mit
March 18th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Erik,
I don’t think that you got so very, very “lucky”. I believe you are so very very blessed that you and Lorri have each other and your wonderful family because you are loved by our Father in Heaven and you have made a good many great choices in life that have landed you in the place that you are (and I don’t mean your current physical location or “hell” as you refer to it!) As I read this blog, I am struck at the number of people who love and respect you. This is a great testament to the extraordinary person that you are.
Love, Becky
March 18th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Lorri, your sister and her little one are in my heart and my prayers today and tonight. I know she will be ok no matter what, but that is a heavy burden to carry around for the time she has. I pray all works out for her and all her loved ones. Pleas let her know we , as a family are thinking and praying of and for her tonight. Love Melissa
March 18th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Hey Becky and Melissa; Thanks so much for saying all that. Funny, I had barely emailed your parents and told them I was going to ‘lie-low’ because everyone must be sick of hearing from me or about me; it makes me self-conscious to be honest.
But I love your brother, with a maturing love. Years and hard times do that to people I’m figuring.
I think of Erik and I as survivors-with all we’ve been through. The day I had to leave him as he was launching off, I told him I felt like a part of myself was boarding that plane too.
He is a good man and a great person and damn funny! (sorry mom-it just fits) Consequently, I laugh a lot less now.
Well you gals have a great visit w.each other and your kids and enjoy your mom’s home cookin’. She is the best, most underpaid chef I’ve ever known.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
One last observation/comment and I’ll be shutting up for a while (promise): Does anyone else get this weird sensation?
Since Erik is ahead of us by 7 hours, I often feel like we’re all standing in his room at the foot of his bed, having this ongoing dialogue while he sleeps.
March 18th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Hi Erik,
That was a beautiful tribute that you wrote about Lorri, your wife…my daughter. I felt your sincerity and love for her, and I know she shares those same feelings towards you. There is a saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”, but it is amazing that you two are able to unite even amidst the distance that is between you. So nice of you both to share those thoughts and feelings with all who read your entries.
With love,
Audrey
March 19th, 2008 at 6:17 am
Thanks mom.
Love, L.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Hi, Erik,
I am so glad that you let Lorri know how much you love and appreciate her. From my perspective, I think you both were very lucky to each meet someone you could cherish for time and all eternity. Please note, some wise man said, “The harder you work, the luckier you get.” You two have worked hard and it has paid off. Dad and I love Lorri as much as if we were her biological parents. She is so much fun to be around. We had so much fun together (although we missed you). Your daughters are each so unique and precious. And smart! Congratulation, Maya, for all A’s. Enjoy your day and be safe. Mom